I hate to fail and used to go to extraordinary lengths in avoiding exposure to failure and disappointment. I consider this a major character flaw and, for the most part, have stopped. If you always suceed because you run away from un-winable situations you simply end up under achieving. The only way to maximise yourself (both as a person and professionally) is by striving and pushing till you reach your limitations.

All of which is fairly obvious (and something I guess most intelligent person will have read before on the numerous "be a better person" blogs). The key, I think, to actually learning from failure is deliberately failing.

Preparing to fail

It's a simple but illogical idea; so bear with the explanation. You see there is one aspect of my life that I consistently under achieve in (we shall remain annoyingly cryptic on the specifics because I dont know who reads this). Not because it is an area I am bad at but simply one that I dislike losing in; failures tend to lead to emotional exposure (which IS an area I am bad at coping with). So, as a result, I simply allow it to stagnate, avoiding all failure simply through inactivity whilst I get on with everything else around me.

Bad move. 

It took a long while to really realise this but the main reason for consistent failure was due to the lack of any substantial prior failure. The only solution is to face an un-winable situation, grit your teeth and do it anyway.

The difficult decision

So how do you go about walking into an un-winable situation, losing and walking away? The answer is simple: admit defeat before you finish.

I dont mean shrug your shoulders but secretly harbour a tiny speck of hope that it will work out for the best; that will not help. Physically stand in front of a mirror, drop your shoulders (classic body language for "I fucked up") and admit, out loud, that you've failed. Discuss with yourself (in as much depth as you can) why you failed and where the mistakes were. What you are trying to do is get past Gut (the unconcious part of your brain that deals on emotions and familiarity and will always insist "it might still work out") and get Head involved (the concious brain that loves logic). You have to convince it that your reasoning is sound, that you have "Lost" and that no amount of hoping will bring you back from the bridge.

HALT!

Why not stop there? Surely admitting defeat prior to actual failure allows you to stop and avoid the failure itself? Well, yes. But then what do you learn? I suspect most would say they take lots from such a situation. They are very wrong.

I mentioned Gut and Head before. Whilst Head is a reasoning device (which we should train ourselves to use), Gut is one of the strongest and most important factors in our lives. If we can utilise it correctly (by getting Head to part-control it) then we can make unconcious decisions correctly and avoid future failure.

Absolute defeat triggers and extremely strong emotional response - that is something Gut remembers. So whilst avoid failure by admitting you have lost might well train Head actually allowing yourself to be defeated trains Gut. Much more beneficial.

The Best Approach

Some more tips:

  • Dont whine: that is the worst response to an un-winable scenario and detracts from the situation. The whole point is that your there to feel bad about your mistakes. 
  • Be honest: dont approach the situation as if you plan to try and win (though, similairly dont look defeated till you actually are). People will measure their responses based on that and you wont benefit. 
  • Be impulsive & decisive: grab the opportunity to fail. You might well be facing absolute defeat but there is no reason not to face it on your own terms
  • Dont brood: the whole point is to train Gut into triggering an emotional response. Brooding on a situation is a Head thing and doesnt help. Part of the benefit of the process comes from accepting failure and moving on.
  • Embrace anger: anger is one of the most important Human emotions. It is the one Gut often remembers the most vividly. Raging is as bad as whining but controlled anger can help cement the feeling of loss.
Conclusion

I've come to realise that failure is an important part of the human character building process. And that knowing you will fail but doing it anyway is even more important. For me this is potentially more important that others - if you have a fear of failure it is for you too. Facing that fear in an un-winable scenario is one of the more difficult and rewarding things you can bring yourself  to do.

I managed it again this weekend and feel a lot clearer for it! Why dont you try it too.